Feeling Your Feelings

I can't remember when I first heard the term "toxic positivity" but I do remember how I felt: vaguely unsettled and puzzled. How could positivity, a universally good thing, ever be toxic? The Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) defines toxic positivity thusly: "Toxic Positivity occurs when encouraging statements are expected to minimize or eliminate painful emotions, creating pressure to be unrealistically optimistic without considering the circumstances of the situation. "

Unfortunately, I sometimes see within myself this tendency to focus on the positive and ignore negative emotions. I know intellectually this isn't healthy, but I can't help doing it anyway. Facing up to the hard, unfair, unkind, and damaging things in the world can, and often does, stir up negative emotions. And frankly - some things should make us feel bad! When we do bad things, we should feel regret. When we read about or see injustice or cruelty, we should be indignant and upset about it. If we don't feel those feelings, I think we are shortchanging ourselves from the full human experience.

For a book club, I recently re-read the Jane Austen masterpiece that is Persuasion. At one point, the heroine Anne Elliot is talking to her friend Mrs. Smith about how sickness always brings out nobility of character, or as she puts it: "...heroism, fortitude, patience, resignation: of all the conflicts and all the sacrifices that ennoble us most...." Her friend wisely replies: “Yes,” said Mrs Smith more doubtingly, “sometimes it may, though I fear its lessons are not often in the elevated style you describe. Here and there, human nature may be great in times of trial; but generally speaking, it is its weakness and not its strength that appears in a sick chamber: it is selfishness and impatience rather than generosity and fortitude, that one hears of.” One of Austen's strengths as a writer is her acknowledgement of human frailty. A perfect person might face disease and death heroically, but that's simply not reality.

I was recently talking to a friend about a close family member who will likely soon pass away. The friend's comment was something like "no one knows what to say - it makes people weird." It's impossible to say the right thing in the face of certain death. So I think it's understandable when people search for a bright side in the face of such ugliness and pain. But, true empathy is sitting with that person in pain (you might say "mourning with those who mourn"), and resisting the impulse to find the silver lining in the dark cloud every second of every day.

Now of course I'm not saying we should give into despair and wallow every day - while there is a lot to be sad about, if you're feeling sad all the time, you need to seek medical help for that. But, I am saying that we are allowed to feel negative emotions. We shouldn't create a false expectation of perfection by saying things like "oh, she never complains" about people who struggle with chronic disease. Maybe that person doesn't feel like they can share those negative things with you! We should give everyone (including ourselves!) the grace and space to complain, to have bad days, to struggle with things.

May is apparently Mental Health Awareness Month. As part of that, my company had a recent webinar with Michael Phelps, the Olympian, about his struggles with mental health. He mentioned the "eight primary emotions," which was a term I hadn't heard before. The 8 primary emotions are anger, anticipation, joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, and disgust. It made me think about when I feel those emotions, and recognize that each of those is just part of being alive. 

Not sure why this was on my mind so much, but it has been! So, my advice to you is this: Feel Your Feelings. Understand and be grateful for those emotions, because they are part of this wild and precious life, to paraphrase the poet Mary Oliver. This is beautifully illustrated by the children's movie Inside Out.