Anybody Have A Map?

Starting today, I am taking a 2.5 month sabbatical from work. I haven't told a lot of people about it, because a part of me feels like it's an admission of failure - that I just can't deal with "adulting" like everyone else seems to be able to. The other reason I feel guilty about it is that it's a privilege very few would have - most jobs wouldn't allow you to take this much time off work.

All that being said, I hit a wall. Some of it is COVID, but some of it is working for 12+ years at a demanding job with long hours. So, I really need this right now in my life, and maybe that makes me weak - but each of us has moments of weakness, and it's okay to not be okay sometimes.

As I've thought about what I want to accomplish during this sabbatical, I've realized that there are literally hundreds of things I *could* do - lots of little tasks I never seem to find time for. I'm making a list of those, and my goal is to do one of those things per day. Even little things like cleaning/organizing the linen closet will at least make me feel like I am not wasting this time. It would be easy to let this time slip by in reading/watching TV (though I will no doubt also be doing plenty of that), but it would be a waste to let that be ALL I do with this once in a lifetime opportunity. At the same time, I want to be kind with myself, and realize that not everything on the list may get done, and that is okay.

With goals and new year's resolutions, I've learned that the simplest goals are the best. I've also learned that I can only do a few goals at a time. Thus, I have three incontrovertible rules that I'm going to stick to during my sabbatical. I don't know if I'll share all of them here, as they are personal, but one of them is to unplug from time wasting apps on my phone. So, over the weekend, I deleted Facebook, Instagram, Jewels, Nerts, and Twitter from my phone. You are probably familiar with the social media apps, Jewels and Nerts are the games I play when I'm bored. I'm debating whether to delete the Kindle app (I might do it temporarily until I read all the physical books in my "to read" pile).

Social media has been a double edged sword for me for a long time - I'm grateful to use it to know how my friends are doing, especially the ones who don't live near me. But, all too often it becomes a trigger for jealousy/envy and it also lets me pretend to be a good friend without interacting with people in real life. The games apps have been taking up way too much time and are completely useless.

Other than my "Optional Tasks List" and "Three Incontrovertible Rules," I'm not really setting an agenda for this time. I'm hoping to have fun and not think much about tax accounting. So, it kind of feels like setting off on a journey without a map. The song "Anybody Have a Map?" from the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen has been running through my mind.

Even though the song is about parenting challenges, and I'm not a parent, it really speaks to the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing. These lyrics stick out to me:

Does anybody have a map?

Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?

I don't know if you can tell

But this is me just pretending to know

So where's the map?

I need a clue

'Cause the scary truth is

I'm flying blind

And I'm making this up as I go

It is a scary truth to acknowledge I'm struggling and not really know how to fix it or where I'll end up. But I'm so lucky to have this time and I'm looking forward to some great trips I have planned, and skipping basically all of my adult responsibilities this summer.

As I will have a lot of "free time" this summer - feel free to share recommendations on:

- Podcasts I should listen to

- Shows/movies I should watch

- Day trips or fun places to visit in the DC area

- Restaurants I should try

- Your favorite complicated recipes I should attempt

- Books I should read (although I have plenty of those already)

Blogging is on the "optional task list" - so you may or may not see more of me in this space this summer. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I would love to hear from you via text, phone, or email if you have time to catch-up.

Ring Out The Old, Ring In the New

Goodbye, 2017, and hello 2018! The New Year can be a bit guilt inducing for me - it's usually one of the times that I realize I didn't accomplish last year's New Year's Resolutions, and also know it's highly unlikely that I will accomplish this year's resolutions too. Which of course won't prevent me from making resolutions.

Taking stock of 2017, I wanted to do a bit of a "journal entry" blog post on all the new things I did during 2017 - some succeeded, some failed, and some were just silly. I tend to be a pretty strong creature of habit, so I wanted to document some of the things I did to try to break out of my rut.

Here are the Top 17 of 2017! With the exception of the top 5, these aren't really in any particular order.

17. Tried to grow an herb garden. It started out promising, and then got left outside in a major rainstorm and died. I have some extra seeds and will try again in 2018. I would love to try and grow tomatoes and other garden stuff, but I have some voracious neighborhood squirrels who would probably eat it all.
16. Expanded by wardrobe by trying a clothing rental service. I tried "Gwynnie Bee" for a month, and it was fun. Pros: expanding my wardrobe without the commitment of buying clothes and avoiding the hassle of going to the store. Cons: limited selection (especially work appropriate clothes with sleeves!) and you can't choose which of the items you selected you will get. Plus, pretty expensive to do on a regular basis.
15. Visited Seattle! I had never been to Washington State before this, and I will definitely need to go back. I got to go for a work trip and stayed over the weekend to do some fun things. Delicious food, lovely natural beauty, colorful Pike's Place Market, and even got a few sunny days in.

14. Hosted a family full of energetic kids at my house. One of my former mission companions was in town, and she and her adorable family stayed with me for a few days. It's one of the benefits of my new-ish house that I have way more space than I need and can share it with others. I've had people stay before, but this was the first time a full family stayed with me.
13. Biked all around Central Park. Another work trip took me to NYC, where I stayed for another weekend to do some fun things - saw a good show (Groundhog Day), great show (Oslo), and best show (Come From Away - such a wonderful message. See it if you can!). But the highlight was biking around Central Park for a few hours on a lovely morning after a rainstorm.

12. Tried a paint nite. Let's just say I'll be keeping my day job, as I don't really have any artistic talent, but it was relaxing to try something different than staring at a computer screen.

11. Two words: Escape Room. We did a work event at a local escape room, which is basically a room full of puzzles you try to solve in 60 minutes or less. I don't think I need to do one again, but it was a fun activity to do with co-workers in the name of team building. And yes, we made it out in under an hour!
10. Visited the new Smithsonian Museum of African American History. It's stayed with me, and this is another one I will need to go back to. The pop culture exhibits were fun, but the historical/civil rights section is one I will need to re-visit and let sink into my soul. Also, I didn't get the chance to try the cafeteria, and I hear it is phenomenal.

9. New recipes. This year for the first time I made Kim-chi, swiss chocolate buttercream, pupusas, and a bunch of other new recipes. It's a nice break from my go-to meal of tacos (mmmm, tacos...delicious).

Swiss Meringue Buttercream for a friend's birthday

8. Ted Talks in real life. I have a friend who is a big Ted Talks fan, and so we went to the local live TedX event. It was an interesting mix of politics, inspiration, and new ideas.

7. Sent real physical Christmas cards. I decided that since I love receiving "real" mail, others might too, so I sent out a real live batch of Christmas cards. I kept it to a small list, which I think made it more enjoyable than a marathon 200 cards.
6. Political Parties. I had two political discussion parties this year - one on overall political bias ("Politics and Pizza") and one on the local November elections ("Discussion and Donuts"). I enjoy the chance to discuss politics with friends who have different opinions. I feel like I need to do more of this in our hyper-polarized political climate, so let me know if you want to be included in 2018's "Immigration and Enchiladas" discussion.

Dessert Pizza for "Politics and Pizza" night

5. Dinner En Blanc. It's a big festive outdoor picnic party, with a secret location that is revealed just minutes before the event, where everyone dresses in 100% white. I have a friend who has done it the past few years, and she let me in this year, with my brother indulging me in my eccentricities and coming along. If I ever do it again, I need to wear more comfortable shoes!

4. Friend dinners. I've been trying various meal delivery services (Blue Apron, Plated, Hello Fresh, etc.) and invited several friends over for one-on-one dinners to enjoy together. It was a good chance to catch up, and while my friends may have thought it was weird (if I ever write a book, a good title would be "Do My Friends Think I'm Weird?" with subtitle "And Other Totally Random Abnormal Anxieties"), I enjoyed the chance to share a good meal and chat. I should probably do this again in 2018, since I have a few more meal delivery services on my list to try.
3. Solo trip to see the fall colors in southern Virginia. I typically take a solo vacation somewhere in the US each year, and this year was a fall trip to southwestern Virginia. Highlights included a waterfall hike, 18 mile bike ride through magical woodlands, driving major portions of the Blue Ridge parkway, and visiting a mill my great-grandmother painted before I was born.

2. Went on a trip with my brother to NYC and saw Hamilton! Seriously, such an amazing Broadway show. Lin Manuel Miranda is a genius, and it was fun to do a trip with my brother, who is a gregarious and adventurous travel buddy with a passionate love of trains. Also: always make sure you check your ticket times! We thought we had tickets to the Hamilton evening show, but luckily figured out it was the matinee before the matinee started. Otherwise, that would have been a disaster. We also got to visit an interesting Emily Dickinson exhibit at the Morgan Library (such a cool museum), eat much delicious and non-nutritious food, and see two other shows - Dear Evan Hansen and Amelie, which were also both good.

1. Trip to Iceland! This was something I had been building up in my head for a long time, and luckily it did not disappoint. My friend and I drove the entire Ring Road around the country in 10 days, and despite a cold for the last three days, it was BEAUTIFUL and LOVELY and FANTASTIC. Go to Iceland if you possibly can.

Other good things that weren't new in 2017, but still brought joy to my life: Cookbook Club, Book Club, summer baseball games, family dinners, 4th of July in Park City, many many MANY games of Nertz (aka the best card game in the world that I love despite being terrible at it), The West Wing Weekly podcast (not to mention re-watching The West Wing for the millionth time), so many musicals and plays (Into the Woods, The King and I, Sound of Music, Crazy For You - so many other good ones), 8th Annual Friends Shakespeare trip, crafts (including a Christmas Tree Skirt), temple trips, and Cherry Blossoms.


Friends, 2017 has not been perfect. I've struggled with political and personal events, and I'm aware that the list above makes it seem like life is all roses and sunshine, when it's NOT. But, I am extraordinarily blessed to have friends and family who love me (heaven only knows why) and far more goodness than I deserve. May your 2018 be blessed and happy!

Finally used my Fancy Glasses for a family dinner

Despairing, Despondent, and Distraught

Okay, I just posted about hope, so naturally, this post is about despair. A few years ago, after a bad breakup, a friend of mine expressed, through tears, that she just didn't have any hope - no hope that the future would be something she wanted. Her pain was real and excruciating. At the time, I didn't know what to do, other than hug her and tell her she was amazing (spoiler: she was and is one of the kindest and loveliest people I've ever met, and luckily, she was married a year or two after this conversation to the love of her life).

While I do have a default Pollyanna optimism setting, I also struggle with bouts of the blues* - times where I just feel like I ain't no good. Like life doesn't hold the promise that I thought it did. I think it's okay to feel that, and sit with that feeling for a while, trying to understand it. Happiness is a long term proposition to me, and that means it's okay (and normal!) to not be happy sometimes.

I've been an adult long enough now to know that I'm not very confident about myself and my abilities. I don't really have a lot of faith in my ability to do things right, or change things about myself that I don't like. Please don't misunderstand that as a lack of ego - I can be as selfish and blind to my faults as the next person, but with the added bonus of also dealing myself short on my (few) good qualities. Couple that with natural introversion, and it's very easy for me to get in a spiral of "people don't want to hang out with me, so I'm just going to stay home."

For me, this despair or despondency is something I actively have to fight against to get it to go away. It's important for me in those times to remember the people and things and food and jokes that bring light to my life, and make life so, so good. That's why I've really liked the song below by Amos Lee, ever since I heard it a week ago. There are storms, and times where I feel defeated, but there is also a light - sometimes it's in the distance and hard to see, but it's there. I have to hold on, keep moving, and fight through the waves.

"One Lonely Light," Amos Lee

*I'm distinguishing here between the blues and Depression. It's one thing to have times where you feel despair, but if it becomes a debilitating cloud of ever-present despondency, that is Depression, and I firmly believe in seeking professional help in such times. I've struggled with depression too, but that's for another post.

2015, 2016, 2017 and Beyond

Last year I couldn't bring myself to write a New Year's post, because 2015 had seemed like a year of treading water. Nothing in my life had changed in any of the areas I had planned to improve on December 31, 2014. I felt like I wasn't progressing or moving forward. Maybe that's adulthood, because I feel like the next 30 years of my life could conceivably be pretty similar.

That was one year ago. Since then, I've changed a few things in my life, but I don't think I can escape the fact that there is still a lot I don't like about myself. I don't know whether I am more or less confident that the average person, but I do spend a lot of time second guessing myself and my abilities. To put it simply, I don't like myself very much.

But self-loathing doesn't really help in accomplishing goals, at least for me. I don't know how, but if I'm going to accomplish any of the daily, weekly, and monthly goals (in four categories) I set for myself in 2017, I need to be a bit kinder to myself. Being kind to myself doesn't mean I won't push myself to do and be better in 2017, but it does mean I need to be okay with however I turn out at the end of the year (hopefully married to a Hemsworth brother with a vacation home in Hawaii...what? stretch goal?).

One of my favorite quotes about charity, which is from Marvin J. Ashton, is this:

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.
Forgive yourself for all the things you intended to do in 2016 but didn't. Be kind to others, and yourself, in 2017. Expect the best from yourself, but have patience with yourself too.

2017 is the year when I figure out how be at peace with who I am, because who I am is...pretty okay. I mean I'm not Mother Teresa, but I'm not Donald Trump either. And you know what, if you are reading this ridiculous excuse for a blog, you're pretty okay too. So, here's to giving yourself the benefit of the doubt in 2017. No hard feelings, 2016, but I'm okay to see you go.


"No Hard Feelings," The Avett Brothers

Read/Do/Be All the Things!

You've got to admire my consistency: I'm 100% on New Year's Resolutions this year. That is, 100% unsuccessful. Some of them I don't even remember, which is a sure sign they are unfulfilled. I started 2014 with grand plans to "make a difference" and be a better person, and don't feel like I did any of it last year. And yet, I'm planning on making New Year's Resolutions again this year. Call me an eternal optimist, but I have a much better chance of improving myself if I make concrete goals than if I have an ineffable future "aspiration."

Is it a coincidence that I just typed gaol (jail) instead of goal? Sometimes goals can fence us in, but I think they represent a really hopeful view of the future, because a goal posits that we have the ability to change and become better. Goals present us with the vision of what we want to be. There's a fresh start and in a way that's exhilarating. It's much better than being paralyzed by your weaknesses.

Of course, goals are good if they lead us to greater vistas of knowledge and awareness, but they're bad when they become checklists that determine our self-worth if completed. As a wise woman once said: "Goals are stars to steer by, not sticks to beat ourselves with." Put another way, goals aren't actually about goals, they're about what the goals are leading us towards - a better and more abundant life filled with good things.

Lately for some reason I have been thinking of Sisyphus (despite the fact that I don't think I can pronounce his name correctly - hence the thinking and not the saying). Sisyphus, a character in Greek mythology, was doomed to roll a large bolder up a hill and then eternally have that bolder roll back down the hill. Kind of the definition of fruitless and pointless endeavors. Sometimes my New Year's Resolutions seem Sisyphean, especially when I realize that I am eternally rolling the same boulders up the same hills year after year. Yet, maybe that is the point. 

As an example, I usually want to spend more time reading as one of my New Year's resolutions. A few nights ago, I spent about four hours catching up on blog reading - friends' blogs, recipe blogs, Mormon blogs, news blogs, etc. For the most part, I skimmed headlines and first paragraphs, weighing in the balance whether I wanted to read the post, skip it, or save it for later. Inevitably, those posts I did read lead me to other sources and additional items for my reading/listening list. An article about tax policy lead to additional detailed statistics on poverty in America. A post about Christmas books lead to new Christmas music I want to download. Various posts on great women authors lead me to want to read more of their books and poems and life stories. 

I simply want to READ ALL THE THINGS (except maybe Ernest Hemingway), but there isn't time. Even if I devoted every waking moment not spent at work to listening to or reading books and articles, I wouldn't ever "arrive" at the destination of having read everything I want to read. So maybe the goal of reading isn't about finishing, but enjoying the journey - one that includes great literature, poetry, well written news coverage, simple updates on my friends' lives, and re-reading Jane Austen (again). There is so much to enjoy about life, and I need MORE joy, reading, fun, charity, friends, outdoors time, and family in my life in 2015, along with LESS stress, worry, self-pity, selfishness, time spent at the office, and stubbornness.

I love reading because when I read, I start making phenomenal brain connections (some of which connect politics with religion which I then proceed to poorly explain on this blog!). Other goals remind me of my ability to do hard things and help me develop into a better person. And that, dear readers, is why I keep rolling my boulders up my hills - I hope that in the journey I will see some magnificent sights from the hilltop, and develop my (emotional/physical/intellectual/spiritual) muscles. In the journey, is joy: real and tangible and hard-fought, all at the same time.

So, here are (some of) my New Year's Resolutions for 2015.  What are your resolutions?

Spiritual: Study scriptures and pray daily.
Mental: Read at least 12 new books this year.
Physical: Gym time four times a week, and an outdoor nature walk/bike ride at least once a month.
Social: Travel internationally with a friend.

A Year in Review

Remember the good old days of 2013? Neither do I. It's been a whirlwind year, as witnessed by the fact that I still haven't posted any pictures of my Ireland trip. Maybe I'll finally be able to get up a post about that in 2014. However, I wanted to end the year by reporting on my New Year's resolution from January. My one resolution for the year was to Be Happy.

Yesterday while cleaning out my room I found my list of "What Makes Me Happy?" and "What Makes Me Unhappy?" I've been successful in increasing some of the stuff from the happy list, but haven't made much headway in removing or mitigating some of the unhappy influences. On the list, I wrote the following at the bottom (I was so wise in January, what happened?): "Overarching question: What does God want me to do?"

In May, I got a new calling* in church. It's something that I would never have volunteered for, and I remain convinced that I'm pretty terrible at it, even after more than half a year of practice. But as I think about it (and pray about it), I realize it's what God wants me to do. That seems really simplistic, but it doesn't make the calling any easier, or does it help me on a practical level know what to do with the calling.

Sometimes we know the "big picture" of what God wants us to do, but he doesn't give us every stepping stone along the way. Like "being happy" we may get a broad theme but the daily decisions are left up to us. This can be incredibly frustrating or incredibly liberating. I tend to find it the former, but the decisions we make hopefully help us grow into better, kinder people. I keep waiting for the "Calling Fairy" to come tap me on the shoulder and fill me with knowledge of how to serve. It hasn't happened yet, so I keep "muddling through." As I think about goals for 2014, I'm stumped. I still want to be happy, of course, but I feel like that goal was too broad and vague for a full year.

Reading this post at the Mormon blog "By Common Consent" really touched me, especially #2 of the five goals. I think the author is right about home and visiting teaching.** I think it's key to ministering and loving others. So maybe my goal for 2014 will be to be a good visiting teacher. It's a simple, somewhat measurable goal, and I think serving others really does bring me joy. So, I'll give it a shot. More to come on some other 2014 goals in future posts.

In the meantime, what are you doing tonight to celebrate the New Year?

"What are you doing New Year's Eve?" Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Leavitt

*"Calling" is Mormonspeak for a church responsibility - teaching, administering, or serving in any church capacity, because the Mormon church is run by volunteers at the local and regional level
**Home and visiting teaching are programs of the Mormon church whereby you are assigned to visit people who you may or may not know on a monthly basis. Your job is to serve and love them.