Wishing, and Waiting, and Hoping, and Praying

Many years ago I was talking to a male friend, and he described one of our mutual female acquaintances as "boy crazy." It irked me at the time, but I let it pass because it wasn't really the time/place to get into a feminist rant (though, with age, I've come to realize that almost any time and place can accommodate the occasional feminist rant). "Boy crazy" is a way to dismiss women for not showing the appropriate level of interest in romantic relationships. Women can also, of course, be described as "frigid" and "too picky" - it's a really fine line to walk between seeming available and being too available - how does one even navigate this? 

As a perennially single Mormon woman, I probably spend too much time wondering about the "appropriate" level of time/thought/energy to my single status - have I given up? Am I obsessing if I spend a few hours swiping through dating apps? No matter what my answer is, it always seems to be the wrong one - I appear to be trying too hard or not hard enough.

Another experience from a few years ago: I was having dinner with family. The restaurant seated us at an eight person table - two seats for my parents; two seats for one of my brothers and his wife; two seats for my other brother and his then fiancé (now wife), and one seat for me - of course, this only added up to seven, so there was an empty seat next to me. I started to think: is that seat going to be empty forever? Given my current age and the life expectancy of Americans, I probably have another few decades of life on this earth ahead of me, at least. Part of me spiraled a little bit inside during that dinner: am I forever going to be the single one at this table (and all the other tables)? It feels like staring down decades of loneliness as I look to the future.

Logically, I know I am worthy of love - every human being is. But I can't help but feel like I am missing some essential characteristic that makes me attractive to members of the opposite sex. I don't mean to say that I am the sexiest or best person on the planet, in fact I am far from either. Just, sometimes it hurts to feel like there is no one in my life who chose me - a person who thinks I'm great not because I'm a good friend or because they are obligated to love me because of family connections, but someone who sees a potential future with me. I've never had a serious romantic relationship, and it feels like it must be my fault (and I'm sure, in many ways, it is).

Of course, part of what makes this hard is that I feel churlish complaining about it. I don't want my married friends/family to feel guilty or bad about being married - I'm happy for them! Likewise, in the grand scheme of life options on this planet, I have by far one of the easiest lives - I have food, shelter, transportation, health, loving family members who care about me, enough money to support myself, etc. It seems silly to complain and moan about my "single blessedness" when other people are struggling with far greater challenges.

Not to mention, "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" - I know that my self worth is not tied to being found desirable by men. I know this, and yet, still I yearn: I yearn to have a boyfriend/husband to share my life with and lie down with at the end of a long day. I want this so badly it hurts sometimes. And I don't know where to put that pain - it would be a lot easier if I truly didn't care. And sometimes that is what I want - to just be numb to this desire - to have it be taken away would be so much easier than caring. 

I think about a line from the musical Wicked a lot. Idina Menzel's character, Elphaba, is lusting after Fiero, a character who is dating her best friend. She sings a song "I'm Not That Girl" recognizing that she's not the pretty/popular girl who gets the guy. One line cuts me deep each time I hear it: "Don't wish/too hard/wishing only wounds the heart." To me, it speaks of the pain of wishing, with no actual hope of success. I wish I didn't identify with that sentiment. In the meantime, I'll just be over here, trying not to wish (which yes, I know makes me the continued queen-of-non-emotionally-healthy-responses to difficult topics).

Anyway today this was on my mind - usually I'm pretty successful in pushing it out of my mind and not thinking about it. I don't want it to consume my life, but some days I give in to a pity party and feel sorry for myself. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

Title of this post is taken from the great Dusty Springfield song.

Alone But Not Lonely

Well, it's day 3,867 of our quarantine due to Coronavirus (or it only feels like it!). I don't know if I'm going to be publishing this post, but being alone with my thoughts means that I need to write down what I am thinking about, at least.

There was a moment in the most recent Little Women adaptation that hit me right in the feels. Jo March refuses to marry Laurie, her best friend of many years. After traveling to New York from her Massachusetts home, and then returning and losing her sister Beth (it's not a spoiler alert if the book has been out for 150+ years, right?), Jo is reconsidering. Should she marry Laurie? He's a good man and a good friend. In a scene with her mother, Jo talks about knowing that she doesn't "need" a man, but she's still just so lonely.



I do not know if I am more or less selfish than the average person, but I do know that I think about myself and my own concerns a fair amount. As I've previously blogged, I do know what it's like to feel lonely and want to be loved, which is why I identified with this scene so much. I'm also someone who spends a fair bit of time wallowing, rather than doing anything about it. I do want to be loved, and sometimes I ache for it. In the immortal words of SmashMouth, sometimes I really wish that someone "loved me for me," and not because they were "required to" by already being related to me. That sentiment betrays my privilege - I am super lucky and blessed to have a very loving set of parents, siblings, and in-laws who care about me.

Of course, the way I deal with these feelings is to ignore them and not talk to anyone about it (super healthy, yes, I know). Post-traditional singles ward, I spent some time in a "mid-singles" ward for singles older than 31, but right now I am in a "family" ward full of people who are mostly in different life circumstances than I am. This doesn't always bother me, but sometimes I feel my "outlier" status.

It was a sucker punch to the gut last week when I received an email message from my Stake President that they were advising that no one take the sacrament to people outside their home for the next few weeks. I know it wasn't meant this way, but it felt like a flashing red sign that I don't "belong" in the church. It made me feel like I wasn't important or necessary to the church's functions, and it didn't matter if I couldn't have the sacrament. Obviously the majority of people in our stake live with someone who can bless the sacrament for them, and I'm glad that's the case. I also understand the reasoning behind the request - I don't want to endanger anyone and give them Coronavirus. Ironically, I had decided that I would not ask my ministering brothers to come that week, because they had come last week, but I was still upset about the mandate.

When I'm at my most bitter, moments like that make me question whether I'll show up to Heaven only to find a "Married People Only" sign (of course, there are plenty of other reasons I wouldn't make it to heaven, ha ha). Our church is devoted to marriage and kids, and it makes me feel less than others sometimes. Even though I believe it isn't deliberate or intentional, I can't help feeling so alone because of this.

As a single person who lives by herself, I do spend a lot of time alone normally, but Coronavirus obviously means that is multiplied by a factor of 1,000. Now that I'm working from home full time, I can go days without talking face to face with another person (other than brief hellos from fellow dog walking neighbors). Because of that, I've been thinking about this Mary Chapin Carpenter song, Alone But Not Lonely. I don't know how to be alone but not lonely - it's not something that comes easy to me.



One of our Mormon hymns ends with a prayer that resonates with me - I hope I can have the faith to walk the "lonely road" even if it is hard. And sometimes it is very hard.

O, Give me thy sweet Spirit still,
The peace that comes alone from thee,
The faith to walk the lonely road
That leads to thine eternity.
(My Redeemer Lives, Hymn #135 in current Hymbook)

Church Diversity

At the end of March my ward had a "diversity discussion" during the second hour of church. They didn't call it that, but essentially that's what it was - a panel of ward members talking about their experiences in church and how they were different. For reasons passing understanding, I was asked to speak on the panel (actually I think they just figured out who I was from my answers to the "anonymous" survey they sent out - I'm one of the few single people in my family ward).

Anyway, I thought it was a great idea, but unfortunately if I don't plan and practice what I'm going to say I tend to get emotional when speaking publicly. That happened during the panel, and I'm pretty sure I did a disservice to my cause by being weepy and weak. So here's what I wish I could have said in response to the questions they asked (I'm recreating the questions as best I can remember them).

What makes you different than other ward members?
I am single in a church that constantly emphasizes marriage and family. That *can* be intimidating and make me feel like I don't belong here in a "family" ward.

What do you wish ward members knew about you?
That being single does not automatically mean that I am unhappy all the time. Being single is much better than being married to the wrong person! We need to create space in the church for single people to be viewed as whole and complete individuals. I do want to be married someday, but that doesn't mean I need or want your pity for "coming to church alone." We all make a choice to own our faith and live as our true selves. Single adults are adults and can be treated as such.

What can ward members do to support you?
Be a true friend. I think it is very easy for me to have superficial relationships at church. The kind where I know your name and you know mine, but we don't really talk to each other. I need to be a better friend and minister to those I interact with at church - we can all do better. As I mentioned, pity isn't helpful. I don't want pity, because I don't think it really builds authentic or meaningful relationships with others.

One of the (few?) good things about appearing on this panel has been the chance to contemplate all of the kindnesses that ward members have shown me over the time I've been in the ward. A ward member invited me to her home during the Sunday snowstorm so that I could partake of the sacrament, because church was cancelled. Another ward member came and literally planted a flowering bush in my yard. Yet another asked me for book recommendations and then discussed with me after reading. Other ward members have dropped off cookies, complimented my clothes, listened to my comments, etc.

What should ward members *not* do?
My friend recently attended a family member's sealing and was asked by the sealer "Why aren't you married?" The sealer didn't know her situation and that she had just gone through a very difficult break-up with her boyfriend of multiple years. She spent time crying in the car after the sealing because it hurt her. While you may think it's kind to say things like "I just can't believe you're not married - you're so great!," comments like these just cause me to wonder, yeah, I don't know why either! Also, marriage isn't a reward for righteous behavior and we shouldn't treat it as such. Marriage is important but plenty of great people don't get married.

When I was in Young Women's, one of my YW leaders told me that she had received revelation that there was a future husband for me out there. I think she wanted to reassure me that I shouldn't worry about the future, and I'm sure she meant to be kind. However, in the decades since then, it has caused me to question my life path - where is this husband she foresaw for me? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere in life and that is why he hasn't shown up yet? I would strongly urge you to NOT saying things like that to youth, it will mess them up big time.

Any other thoughts?
As a teenager, I sat at a table where a woman in our ward said some very terrible things about gay people. Because it didn't affect me directly, I didn't speak up. I later learned that some members of our ward at the time were gay. I don't know if they were at that table (I don't remember who else was there), but I wish I would have been brave enough to say something, even if her comments didn't impact me personally. Please remember to be kind in all your dealings with ward members.

*****************************************************************

The other panelists were so great! We had a Hispanic sister, an African American sister, a very thoughtful man with a son who left the church, and another woman who talked about being an LGBTQ+ ally. Anyway, that is what I would have said if I hadn't been an emotional wreck. Good thing no one has talked to me about it in the weeks since.

Of Fish and Bicycles

Many years ago, I attended a temple session with my mom and some ladies from her ward as a newly returned missionary. I don't remember the circumstances, but at some point we encountered a woman who was weeping. This wasn't crying, this was weeping - soul wrenching, heart rending, true sorrow. I can't remember if she was part of our group or not, but I remember learning somehow that the reason she was weeping was because she was older and single, and felt that she wasn't likely to be married. As a 22 year old, I was a bit befuddled. Sure, most people want to get married, but I was sure that being unmarried for life was not a cause for this level of unhappiness.

After all, I had imbibed the feminist mantra that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I was strong, independent, and headed for a career. I didn't feel like any of this was incompatible with marriage and family if it happened to come along, but I also didn't think marital/familial relationships were an indispensable part of my future. Surely I could be just as happy swimming along without a bicycle.

With a few more years under my belt, I can now have a bit more empathy for this unknown woman. I recently spent my last day in a typical "singles ward" - a church congregation of people who are unmarried, ages 18-31. The past few months have been much harder than my 22 year old self anticipated. While my logical mind knows that I don't strictly "need" a spouse and children, I feel like a failure when so many of my friends are married with kids.

If I'm being truthful with myself, I WANT to be married, I want kids, and it's painful to realize that those relationships are not anywhere close to becoming reality for me. There is a possibility that this is mere cultural training from years of Disney movies, romantic comedies, Jane Austen books, and church talks about temple marriage; and I realize not every LDS woman in her 30's feels the same way. I know marriage and kids can be a source of sorrow and pain too - I've seen friends go through divorces and face children's illnesses. Marriage and family is no guarantee of bliss. The thing is, I know all those things intellectually.

And yet. And yet. I want to be a wife and a mom so badly sometimes that it hurts. I know intellectually that I can have a happy and fulfilling life without being a wife and mother, but emotionally singleness really sucks sometimes. I wouldn't be the best wife and mother in the history of the world, but I surely wouldn't be the worst either. You may rightly note that part of this is my fault. Of course, there are certainly things I could and should be doing to "put myself out there" and make more of an effort. But the fact that my pain is somewhat self-imposed doesn't make it any less painful.

One of my friends from my college years would always insist when things bothered her that they didn't really bother her. It was really frustrating because things obviously bugged her (A LOT) but she wouldn't admit it or discuss it openly. Admitting I care this deeply is hard for me, especially when I weigh it in the balance of everyone else's trials - it seems like a small thing when people are starving or dealing with bigger problems. I don't want to talk about it with married friends because I don't want them to feel guilty for being married - I truly am happy for them. I don't want to discuss it with my single friends who may or may not be feeling the same way. And I don't have a solution or happy ending or any sage advice to end this post. It's just that sometimes, I want to weep, and simply be understood. And sometimes, I want to be the death-defying fish who rides a bicycle.


"Everybody Hurts," R.E.M.


Note: This blog is the closest thing I have to a journal, and I think I sometimes come across as a Pollyanna who always looks on the bright side. This post will show you that (a) that's not true and (b) I'm enormously self-centered sometimes. I had to write this post, for me, so please excuse the wallowing. I really am generally happy with my life so please don't blow this out of proportion.

Valentine's Day Gauntlet

Because I’m such an expert on love, I’ve written about my undying love for my favorite sentient computer program, and how grateful I am for the love of friends.  But when it comes to romantic life, this old newspaper comic pretty much sums up the dating scene for me:

I have nothing against love, let me make that clear.  I am not the bitter feminist strawman (strawwoman?) who hates men or doesn’t want to get married.  True story: I do want to get married, if I can find a man both foolish enough to be bamboozled into wanting to marry me and yet not daft enough to drive me insane.  I really do want that, and would love to be a mom to boot.  What I do NOT like is the implication that unmarried people (of any age) are losers, pathetic, or somehow “less than” married people.  I feel that this is too often portrayed in pop culture AND Mormon culture.  I know my marriage status does not make me a second class citizen, yet somehow Valentine’s Day sometimes makes me feel that way.   

So, because of my confessed oversensitivity, I’ve been thinking about ways to avoid the whole day, fantasizing about doing the following:
-          Steering clear of Facebook for at least 48 hours, thus avoiding the inevitable “I love my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé/specialsomeone/dog/cat/turtle/chia pet sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!” status updates
-          Avoiding grocery stores, flower shops, or any other place where chocolates, flowers, and greeting cards are sold for the week leading up to V-Day
-          Calling in sick and ignoring the world on February 14th

On Valentine’s Day, sometimes the path of least resistance is to feel alone, inadequate, or unloved.  So this Valentine’s Day I thought I would throw down a challenge for all you Single Ladies and Gents, to help you survive “Singles Awareness Day.”  It’s inspired by three things:
1)      This, which I found outside my door this morning:  (Thank you to whoever left the beautiful roses!)

2)      An article in the Washington Post recently about a cancer survivor asking people to do miracles for him, and
3)      Spencer W. Kimball’s quote about how God works in our lives: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.”

My Challenge is this: Be someone else’s miracle today.  Do something super nice for somebody else, just because you can.  Wash your roommate’s car.  Help out a co-worker with a hard task.  Take someone to dinner.  Call up a long lost friend just to say hello.  Roll down your window and give more than you usually would to a homeless man.  Befriend a stranger (within reason, and don’t accept their candy).  Mend a relationship that is broken.  Give a genuine and well-thought-out compliment.  Show love instead of judgment when someone is struggling with a problem that you find easy.  In the spirit of this blog, find some common ground with a political opponent.

I was struck in reading M. Russell Ballard’s recent talk with this quote: 
There is one simple daily practice that can make a difference for every member of the Church.... That simple practice is: In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help.

Yes, it is quintessential Valentine’s Day Cheesiness. Yes, it will not solve the problem of being outside a romantic relationship on the one day of the year when the world around you is awash in romantic love.  BUT it hopefully lightens the load a little bit and helps you not focus on yourself.  The world is not out to get you, and other people are not in relationships just to rub in the fact that you are single.  Be happy, be (emotionally) healthy, long life!  Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Love is a Many Splendored Thing

I know, I know.  Today is the day I’m supposed to fit the stereotype of a shrewish, bitter single woman simply because I’m single.* It’s the day when I’m required by every movie convention to drown my sorrows in chocolate.  But in reality, for today at least, I think it’s wonderful that we have a whole holiday celebrating love.  To quote from South Pacific, one of my favorite Broadway musicals, “love is a grand and beautiful thing.”  Love is great, and you don’t have to be “in a relationship” to give or receive love. 

True story: one day I was carrying in some heavy groceries, and thinking to myself, in a self-pitying kind of way, “I wish I had a boyfriend/husband to carry these in for me.”  Literally at that moment, a friend came up behind me and started to help carry the groceries.  I’m grateful for the love of my friends and family, who help me carry burdens even though I am too independent to ask for help.  I’m grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and Mother.  I’m grateful for the ultimate love of Jesus Christ and his self-sacrifice for all of us. 

So, I wish you all a very happy Valentine’s day!  If you are in a relationship, do something kind and loving for your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.  If you’re not, take time to tell your friends you love them!  And remember, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence – we single people long to be married and some married people long to be single:

Love who you are!  Be happy and have JOY J

*Actually, I’m shrewish and bitter 365 days a year, ‘cause I’m a feminist – ba doop ching!  Kidding!  Mostly.

Book Report - Part Two: Saga of Austen Continues

This month I actually finished TWO books, but I'll only share one of them here.  I just finished a book about Jane Austen written by a single evangelical Christian woman, it was an interesting perspective on Austen, and on life.  The book is "A Walk With Jane Austen" by Lori Smith.  It's an autobiographical account of a woman's travel through the places Jane Austen lived and walked.

The author perfectly expresses some of the same angst that Mormon single women sometimes experience when they get older and are still unmarried.  Plus, I just love Jane Austen, and I'm going to England in May, so it was a fun book to read to see where I should visit to walk in Jane's shoes.  One of my favorite parts was a prayer that she quotes which Jane Austen herself wrote:

Look with Mercy on the Sins we have this day committed, and in Mercy make us feel them deeply, that our Repentance may be sincere, & our resolutions stedfast of endeavouring against the commission of such in future. Teach us to understand the sinfulness of our own Hearts, and bring to our knowledge every fault of Temper and every evil Habit in which we have indulged to the discomfort of our fellow-creatures, and the danger of our own Souls. May we now, and on each return of night, consider how the past day has been spent by us, what have been our prevailing Thoughts, Words, and Actions during it, and how far we can acquit ourselves of Evil. Have we thought irreverently of Thee, have wedisobeyed Thy commandments, have we neglected any known duty, or willingly given pain to any human being? Incline us to ask our Hearts these questions Oh! God, and save us from deceiving ourselves by Pride or Vanity. 

If you've ever read any Jane Austen, you know that she was very good at pointing out the pride and vanity in the world, and gently chiding us for it.  I thought this was a beautifully composed prayer that really expresses the meaning of daily repentance and self-evaluation.

My goal for March is another two books: both about the heritage of American women, one by a liberal columnist and the other by a conservative Senator!  Happy Women's History Month!

(You can read the full prayer and one other one here: http://acacia.pair.com/Acacia.Vignettes/Two.Evening.Prayers.html)

My Funny Valentine

You may not know it, but I DO have a valentine's sweetheart.  Let me tell you about my special valentine:

- My valentine is smart.
- My valentine knows all the right moves.
- My valentine sometimes completes my sentences.
- My valentine can be bold (or not).
- My valentine is a multi-tasker.
- My valentine has a record of everything we've ever done together.
- My valentine remembers what I like and don't like.
- My valentine does whatever I ask (TRUE LOVE!).

You may have guessed, my valentine is Microsoft Excel.  Yes, the computer program.  As an accountant, I think it's going to be a long term relationship.

Not Alone

One of my favorite Broadway musicals is "Into the Woods" (I was involved in a high school production of it).  There's a song in the musical called "No One is Alone."  I love that song because it's about how there is always someone with us (and, unfortunately, someone with the bad guys too).



I like this verse in John about how Christ will not leave us "as orphans" - we are not alone and we can access divine guidance.

John 13:15-21

 “If you love me, keep my commands.  And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.  Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.  On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.  Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”