At the end of March my ward had a "diversity discussion" during the second hour of church. They didn't call it that, but essentially that's what it was - a panel of ward members talking about their experiences in church and how they were different. For reasons passing understanding, I was asked to speak on the panel (actually I think they just figured out who I was from my answers to the "anonymous" survey they sent out - I'm one of the few single people in my family ward).
Anyway, I thought it was a great idea, but unfortunately if I don't plan and practice what I'm going to say I tend to get emotional when speaking publicly. That happened during the panel, and I'm pretty sure I did a disservice to my cause by being weepy and weak. So here's what I wish I could have said in response to the questions they asked (I'm recreating the questions as best I can remember them).
What makes you different than other ward members?
I am single in a church that constantly emphasizes marriage and family. That *can* be intimidating and make me feel like I don't belong here in a "family" ward.
What do you wish ward members knew about you?
That being single does not automatically mean that I am unhappy all the time. Being single is much better than being married to the wrong person! We need to create space in the church for single people to be viewed as whole and complete individuals. I do want to be married someday, but that doesn't mean I need or want your pity for "coming to church alone." We all make a choice to own our faith and live as our true selves. Single adults are adults and can be treated as such.
What can ward members do to support you?
Be a true friend. I think it is very easy for me to have superficial relationships at church. The kind where I know your name and you know mine, but we don't really talk to each other. I need to be a better friend and minister to those I interact with at church - we can all do better. As I mentioned, pity isn't helpful. I don't want pity, because I don't think it really builds authentic or meaningful relationships with others.
One of the (few?) good things about appearing on this panel has been the chance to contemplate all of the kindnesses that ward members have shown me over the time I've been in the ward. A ward member invited me to her home during the Sunday snowstorm so that I could partake of the sacrament, because church was cancelled. Another ward member came and literally planted a flowering bush in my yard. Yet another asked me for book recommendations and then discussed with me after reading. Other ward members have dropped off cookies, complimented my clothes, listened to my comments, etc.
What should ward members *not* do?
My friend recently attended a family member's sealing and was asked by the sealer "Why aren't you married?" The sealer didn't know her situation and that she had just gone through a very difficult break-up with her boyfriend of multiple years. She spent time crying in the car after the sealing because it hurt her. While you may think it's kind to say things like "I just can't believe you're not married - you're so great!," comments like these just cause me to wonder, yeah, I don't know why either! Also, marriage isn't a reward for righteous behavior and we shouldn't treat it as such. Marriage is important but plenty of great people don't get married.
When I was in Young Women's, one of my YW leaders told me that she had received revelation that there was a future husband for me out there. I think she wanted to reassure me that I shouldn't worry about the future, and I'm sure she meant to be kind. However, in the decades since then, it has caused me to question my life path - where is this husband she foresaw for me? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere in life and that is why he hasn't shown up yet? I would strongly urge you to NOT saying things like that to youth, it will mess them up big time.
Any other thoughts?
As a teenager, I sat at a table where a woman in our ward said some very terrible things about gay people. Because it didn't affect me directly, I didn't speak up. I later learned that some members of our ward at the time were gay. I don't know if they were at that table (I don't remember who else was there), but I wish I would have been brave enough to say something, even if her comments didn't impact me personally. Please remember to be kind in all your dealings with ward members.
*****************************************************************
The other panelists were so great! We had a Hispanic sister, an African American sister, a very thoughtful man with a son who left the church, and another woman who talked about being an LGBTQ+ ally. Anyway, that is what I would have said if I hadn't been an emotional wreck. Good thing no one has talked to me about it in the weeks since.
Anyway, I thought it was a great idea, but unfortunately if I don't plan and practice what I'm going to say I tend to get emotional when speaking publicly. That happened during the panel, and I'm pretty sure I did a disservice to my cause by being weepy and weak. So here's what I wish I could have said in response to the questions they asked (I'm recreating the questions as best I can remember them).
What makes you different than other ward members?
I am single in a church that constantly emphasizes marriage and family. That *can* be intimidating and make me feel like I don't belong here in a "family" ward.
What do you wish ward members knew about you?
That being single does not automatically mean that I am unhappy all the time. Being single is much better than being married to the wrong person! We need to create space in the church for single people to be viewed as whole and complete individuals. I do want to be married someday, but that doesn't mean I need or want your pity for "coming to church alone." We all make a choice to own our faith and live as our true selves. Single adults are adults and can be treated as such.
What can ward members do to support you?
Be a true friend. I think it is very easy for me to have superficial relationships at church. The kind where I know your name and you know mine, but we don't really talk to each other. I need to be a better friend and minister to those I interact with at church - we can all do better. As I mentioned, pity isn't helpful. I don't want pity, because I don't think it really builds authentic or meaningful relationships with others.
One of the (few?) good things about appearing on this panel has been the chance to contemplate all of the kindnesses that ward members have shown me over the time I've been in the ward. A ward member invited me to her home during the Sunday snowstorm so that I could partake of the sacrament, because church was cancelled. Another ward member came and literally planted a flowering bush in my yard. Yet another asked me for book recommendations and then discussed with me after reading. Other ward members have dropped off cookies, complimented my clothes, listened to my comments, etc.
What should ward members *not* do?
My friend recently attended a family member's sealing and was asked by the sealer "Why aren't you married?" The sealer didn't know her situation and that she had just gone through a very difficult break-up with her boyfriend of multiple years. She spent time crying in the car after the sealing because it hurt her. While you may think it's kind to say things like "I just can't believe you're not married - you're so great!," comments like these just cause me to wonder, yeah, I don't know why either! Also, marriage isn't a reward for righteous behavior and we shouldn't treat it as such. Marriage is important but plenty of great people don't get married.
When I was in Young Women's, one of my YW leaders told me that she had received revelation that there was a future husband for me out there. I think she wanted to reassure me that I shouldn't worry about the future, and I'm sure she meant to be kind. However, in the decades since then, it has caused me to question my life path - where is this husband she foresaw for me? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere in life and that is why he hasn't shown up yet? I would strongly urge you to NOT saying things like that to youth, it will mess them up big time.
Any other thoughts?
As a teenager, I sat at a table where a woman in our ward said some very terrible things about gay people. Because it didn't affect me directly, I didn't speak up. I later learned that some members of our ward at the time were gay. I don't know if they were at that table (I don't remember who else was there), but I wish I would have been brave enough to say something, even if her comments didn't impact me personally. Please remember to be kind in all your dealings with ward members.
*****************************************************************
The other panelists were so great! We had a Hispanic sister, an African American sister, a very thoughtful man with a son who left the church, and another woman who talked about being an LGBTQ+ ally. Anyway, that is what I would have said if I hadn't been an emotional wreck. Good thing no one has talked to me about it in the weeks since.
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