This post will probably offend people on both sides of the gay marriage debate. Ye have been warned, all ye who enter here.
Don't judge me, but I don't have a position on gay marriage. I am torn by several factors, and also find myself lacking analogies to explain my thoughts - in short, I have angst on this subject. Naturally I have no desire to think of myself as a bigot, but I find myself uncomfortable in the pro gay marriage camp. In case you missed it, the word "bigot" got thrown around a lot on Facebook this week in this debate. The whole issue has lead me to ask myself this question: "is it possible to be against gay marriage and not be a bigot?" Some of the commentary implied that the only non-bigoted option was to support gay marriage.
I decided to look it up, and found that dictionary.com defines "bigot" as "a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion." Many of my friends don't support gay marriage, but I would not use these terms to describe them. Yet it seems that, for many supporters of gay marriage, to be against gay marriage is to be an intolerant slimeball.
Many of the slogans or pictures implicitly or explicitly classed gay marriage opponents in the same category as those who opposed interracial marriage several decades ago. Several openly mocked religious people who opposed gay marriage. I found both of these types of comments offensive.* To me, the two issues are qualitatively different. Biracial marriage had existed at other times and in other cultures. However, as far as I am aware, no culture in the past has recognized a relationship between two people of the same gender as a marriage.** Gay marriage is a fundamental redefinition of "marriage" - it may be a redefinition that you agree with, but a marriage relationship has (for centuries and millennia) been only between people of opposite genders. I realize that "it's always been this way" may not be sufficient justification to keep something intact, but...something holds me back from fulling endorsing gay marriage. I don't know whether it's conscience or culture.
I feel like I lack a good comparison for explaining gay marriage.*** Here's the closest I came up with, and I realize it has many limitations and imperfections. Mormons believe that God cares about who we have sex with. To the modern world, that seems crazy - why would God care if we have sex? I believe it's because he loves us, and chastity is an eternal principle. The sacred powers of procreation are to be used only in a marriage relationship. In other words, Mormons don't believe in premarital sex. The sexual revolution, birth control, and other modern conventions have so permeated our society that premarital sex is pretty much a given for most people, but for me, it is not something I choose to do. Now, that DOES NOT mean that I shun people who live with their boyfriend or girlfriend, or that I get to force other people to live my beliefs - we live in a pluralistic society and everyone should be able to do what they want. But what if there was some sort of government endorsement for premarital sex? Would I want to allow that? No, because I believe it is a sin. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is what I believe. Again, that doesn't mean I can pass laws endorsing my view of sin, but neither does it mean that you get to pass a law that would force me to accept premarital sex as okay. Gay marriage strikes me as somewhat analogous to this situation. I believe gay people should be free to have gay relationships, but I don't know if I can sign on to the idea that the government (of which I am a part) should endorse their union as a "marriage." I've read several posts by other Mormon liberals who feel that eventually the church will accept gay marriage. Why do they think this? It's not like the sexual revolution happened and then Mormons said: "oh yeah, premarital sex? Totally okay." I don't think the standards of God change based on our cultural norms.
Now, I have to say that when this issue came up in my home state several years ago, I voted against the anti-gay-marriage constitutional amendment because I felt it was overly broad and harsh. I can understand gay people wanting the right to visit their loved ones in the hospital or commit to a relationship. I can only imagine how hard it is to be gay and Mormon, and my heart hurts for those who feel they have to choose between their religion and their sexuality. I just don't know if I support gay marriage. I don't know what I believe and I am admitting that.
Here's what I do believe, in no particular order:
- "Gay" should never be used as a derogatory term or insult. When used this way in high school it always made me cringe.
- Being gay is not a choice. Same-sex attraction is not something an individual can choose.
- Employers shouldn't be able to fire you because you are gay, or harass people because of their sexual orientation.
- Gay marriage will not affect my future heterosexual marriage - that will be between me and my husband in our eternal covenant relationship with God. Gay marriage is not going to destroy marriage.
- Eventually I think gay marriage will happen - the social change has already happened to a large degree.
The thing is, a bigot never realizes they're a bigot. I could be a bigot, and I could be wrong about any or all of this. If so, I apologize in advance.
* Note: there are plenty of offensive things said by the anti-gay marriage camp. I am in no way equating my pain to the pain of discrimination and offensiveness that gay people have faced and continue to face in many cases.
** This is not to suggest that there have not been gay people throughout history - there certainly have been.
*** Another analogy would be polygamy - but the irony of a Mormon relying on cultural definitions of marriage as between two people is self-evident.